~sigh~ Some of the questions I am asked. :/ This is my response to someone whose inner demons are driving him to hell
You're asking simple questions that don't have simple answers. More
than that you're doing it in rapid fire. Each of those questions can
take a year of studying various thing before you even understand
a) why it's not a simple question
b ) why there's no one simple answer.
But I'll kind of give you a lump answer, that you can start looking
into the various parts of and in the process, you can find elements that
will help you come up with your own answer.
Most of our internal pain is self-generating. That is to say how we
think, what we assume, our habits, behaviors and beliefs create ways of
thinking that cause us pain, strife and fear.
That's not say that the external world isn't fucked up, it can be.
But the belief that the world is ALWAYS fucked up sets us on a course
to prove it ourselves. What goes on inside of our head can make us look
at an okay situation and overemphasize the bad so much that it makes
it look like it's fucked up. Worse is when a situation is good, we'll
go out of our way to fuck it up -- again reconfirming or belief that
the world is fucked up.
Now this is not to say the pain isn't real. It is. Just most of it
is self-generated. Does bad shit that we didn't create happen? Yes. But
again, most of our pain comes from inside ourselves -- especially when
we take a bad event and run with it, make it the basis of our life's
story and demand the world accommodate what has become our
This is made more complicated because when you're hurting in this
manner, you'll seek out ways to make it temporarily stop. This through
booze, drugs, adrenaline (getting punched) and anger. It is at these
times we feel both alive and pain free. All that other shit falls away
and we are temporarily freed from what we're doing to ourselves from
inside our own heads.
Two problems with this. One the fix isn't permanent.
That is to say while we can anesthetize the pain for short periods,
it doesn't fix what is causing the pain. So when it wears off, the pain
comes back again and we find ourselves pining for not hurting. This is
a powerful driver for this kind of behavior. A behavior that numbs,
but doesn't fix the real problem.
Two, these behaviors create a secondary set of problems. You're so
busy dealing with these new problems that you never have time to look
at what caused the original pain. What was driving the behaviors that
created these new problems is never looked at, much less unplugged. You
get layers and layers of shit piled on top so you never have to look
at the self-generating pain. As such, you 'never' have to fix it
because you're too busy dealing with this other shit.
This is where shit gets really fucked up. That part of you that is
generating your pain ... it doesn't want to change. Why should it? It's
running your life. It's right about what it thinks and fuck you if you
think you're going to kick it out of the driver's seat. It will do
everything in its power to keep you from changing. It's more
self-righteous and convinced it's absolutely right than a
fundamentalist Baptist preacher. Worse, it knows your worst fears,
insecurities and weaknesses. It will turn these against you if you try
to kick it out of controlling your life.
You want the hardest fuckin' knock down drag out brawl you'll ever
face in your life? Go after this part of yourself. Getting kicked in
the nuts, shot or stabbed is easier than facing this shit.
But -- and I speak from experience here -- it's the only way to stop the pain and keep on living.