Monday, June 12, 2017

Chang Your Fuckin' Zip Code

There's a abyss people can fall in. It’s a dark and evil place filled with monsters. It's got all kinds of nasty, dysfunctional stuff in there, like addiction, betrayal, death wishes, trauma, depression, hatred, violence, abuse, suicide, death, yada, yada, yada. I liken this mental abyss to the Grand Canyon. It's frickin' huge and it’s hell on earth. 
Of those who fall into the Abyss, most never come out. Fast or slow, they die there. Now while this is the biggest and most traumatic thing that has ever happened to the individual, straight up, it’s just another day in the Abyss. Namely because it’s filled with like minded people -- and other things. In fact, there’s worse the further in you get. (Remember my first question about ‘bad’ is “Did the person live?” If yes, I say,“Good, we can do something.” If no, the second question is, “How many parts was the body found in?” Where’d you think I got such a warm and fluffy standard?)
Some people fall into the Abyss and at some level they manage to grab on to something and hang on. They don't get worse, but they don't get better. They’ll stay there for the rest of their lives. Other people try to climb out, slip (or give up) and fall to their deaths. People who’ve never been there don’t understand why this happens. Start with the only guarantee in the Abyss is it sucks. I mean that in both meanings -- but mostly about pulling you down. Oh and while climbing out technically sucks only slightly less, it’s WAY more painful, scary and work. Painful because many of the things that soothes the pain of the Abyss are denied to you at this time. Scary because you have to question your ‘truths’; truths that sent you into the Abyss in the first place. Work because ...well you’re changing your entire life. So depending on the individual, just hanging on can be one hell of an accomplishment.
Still others do manage to climb out. Once you've climbed out, you're pretty well exhausted, torn up and twitchy. I liken this to, at first, just laying on the edge of the canyon panting and hurting. You're alive, but you’re a mess and can't do much. 
It takes time to 'recover.' That’s what really want to talk about. Not just the time, but breaking the Abyss’ domination of your life -- especially after you’ve gotten out. This is important because once you’ve been there, the Abyss never goes away. But there’s a difference between it not going away and controlling the rest of your life.
So there you are exhausted and bloody at the edge. In time you can move enough to set up a camp and take care of business while you heal up some more. Those wounds you took in the Abyss seriously limit you. And while we’re at it, there’s the exhaustion issue. You’ve just shot your wad getting out of that big ass canyon. You’re not going to be able to pop up and do a double time a fifty mile march. This ‘camping’ is very much a part of the recovery process.
Here's what’s interesting about that camp. Even though you're not in the Abyss anymore, it still 'rules your life.' I mean it's RIGHT THERE! A yawning darkness that’s there all the time and still having major influence on everything you do. Its presence limits your options and weighs heavily on your soul and consciousness -- including the high likelihood of falling back in. As long as you’re camped on the edge, it’s still staring you in the face. Oh yeah, take a wrong step and you’re back in it. (Or decide that it’s ‘easier’ back in the Abyss and you deliberately jump back in.) 
So there you are, you’re alive, but just barely. And even though you’re out of it the Abyss is still messing with you. Here is the core message of this piece: You aren't supposed to permanently set up house on the edge of the abyss. Yeah you need to camp for a while, but over-all, the goal is to get the hell away from the edge. Keep that in mind, we’ll come back to it.
That temporary camp on the edge is where you try and make sense of the suffering. Understanding is another process that takes time and work -- and here is what a lot of people don’t get: It’s going to change. Yeah, yeah, your life will change. But I’m talking about your ‘understanding’ of the suffering. There’s an old recovery saying, “When you’re in a toilet all you can see is a bigger toilet.” Well, when you’re camped at the edge trying to make sense of the suffering, the only tools you have to make sense of what happened are the same thoughts that put you in the Abyss in the first place. Your ‘understanding’ of the toilet comes from the toilet. So don’t get married to it. It’s at this time that you have to be careful not to turn into -- or be turned into -- a permavictim. 
See there are alot of people out there who want to help you ‘make sense of the suffering’ and get over the trauma of having been in the Abyss. Often in the form of ‘help’ that really, really makes sense. At least sense to the way of thinking that put you into the Abyss. That’s to say it really sounds good and it’s a much better story about ‘you’ than the one that put you into the Abyss. A lot of people really grab onto these ‘new and improved’ tales about who they are. Once again, put a push pin into this, we’ll come back to it. Back to the Abyss and the camp. In time you’re going to heal up enough that you can start doing stuff. By that I mean doing more than just surviving and -- literally -- healing. You don’t run a sprint after surgery, much less a marathon. Healing of your psyche after getting out of the Abyss is the same thing. It’s not just the original pain that sent you into the Abyss, you picked up a lot more wounds while in the Abyss and on the way out. 
 As you heal and get more ‘energy,’ you come to decision point. What are you going to do now? This is both a bigger question and a weird-assed one than you’d think. See before you fell in, your thinking was dominated by whatever sent you to the Abyss. While you were in it just getting by ate up all your attention. That’s why “What now” is a weird-assed question. You’ve never had to ask it before. There’s another important point that is both contentious and a little ... well squishy: Resources. Contentious because some will argue you never had resources, others take the approach that “yes, you had them -- or at least the potential -- in the past (but, like parts tearing off a satellite that’s lost its orbit, they were stripped away as you were going down in flames.)” Then come assholes like me who point out, “Why does it have to be either/or? Why not both?” That squabble aside, the bottomline is at the ‘camp,’ you don’t have too many resources. To recover and get on with life, you’re going to have to do something about that.
Anyway, resources are also squishy That’s partly because it’s a basket concept. Partly it’s that ‘resources’ are both physical and non-physical. When I say a basket concept, that means there’s lots of topics that go into that basket and not all of them make sense to someone camping on the edge. That’s because not all of them have a physical existence. Sure ‘money’ is physical resource, so too is owning a car. Those are physical resources you can have - or not. With physical resources there’s always a matter of how much and how reliable? (Is your car reliable and can you afford to fix it if it breaks down?) But coping skills, boundary enforcement, self-discipline, people skills and time? Those are not physical; but they are very much resources you need. And to get them, you have to develop them. Something you won’t often hear is gaining resources is a part of the recovery process.
 That’s because resources are a big part of getting away from the edge. But, here’s the catch, as you’re healing some of the most important don’t look all that important. The ones you can see can look insurmountable odds. For example the old quandary: To get a job you need experience, but how do you get experience if you can’t get a job? (The answer to that problem is in some of those non-physical resources.) Putting in terms of this analogy: Resources will be the ‘supplies’ you’ll need to break camp and move on. Move on and away from the Abyss.
Changing tracks for a moment, a guy by the name of Fredrick Nietzsche said “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” There’s a lot of wisdom in that saying. But I’m going to add a caveat, once you’ve been into the Abyss it’s carved into your psyche like the Grand Canyon is carved into the state of Arizona. When I said, it will never go away, I wasn’t joking. It is now part of you. Here’s the thing though, it doesn’t have to be all of you. 
You don’t have to forever stay at the edge of the Abyss. In fact, that kind of defeats the idea of recovery. The idea isn’t just to change your zip code from the Abyss. It’s also to change your zip code from the edge too. The edge of the Abyss is a temporary camp. That’s something a whole lot of ‘survivors’ don’t want to hear, some don’t want others to know it and some folks -- including those supposedly helping survivors -- don’t want survivors knowing either. We’ll come back to this in a bit because it’s important.
To get a different understanding on recovery, we’re going to have to change the analogy slightly. Yes the Abyss is the Grand Canyon in your psyche. It’s huge, in your face and a burden. It’s a horrible pain and is almost overwhelming to your limited consciousness. So become bigger. 
As I like to say, “Become Arizona.” See, as big as the Grand Canyon is, it’s just a tiny section of a much bigger State. Really, it’s off in a deserted corner. The counter to the magnitude of the Abyss and its domination over your life is to become ‘big enough’ to be more than just a survivor of the Abyss. Sure it’s there, but so what? That and two bucks will get you a cup of coffee. Using geography, the Grand Canyon is there, but you don’t have to live there. You can spend your time in Flagstaff or Phoenix. Yeah, it’s still part of you, but you spend your life and efforts being more than just a victim. By becoming bigger, you’re not running from it, it’s just a small part of a much larger and -- actually -- healed you.
To do that though, you’re going to need to develop resources. Resources not only to help you get away from the Abyss, but get to those other places. These are the non-physical (soft if you will) resources I was talking about earlier. Soft resources like better coping skills, emotional intelligence, people skills, trust, trustworthiness, reliability and how to grow and maintain stable relationships. Like I said, when you’re at the edge of the Abyss, these don’t sound important for recovery, but they really, really are. (And BTW, odds are it was the lack of these that put you into the Abyss in the first place.) This is how you become bigger than the Abyss. When you do that, both the pain and the pull of the Abyss fades. And that’s what breaks its domination over your life.
The trick of that is you develop these extra resources as you’re growing. It takes time, but you have a ways to go. So yeah, you have the time. You do this so when you ‘get there,’ you have what it takes to stay there. Having ‘soft’ resources means you won’t get pulled back to the edge of the Abyss. It’s not just coming to terms with your past, it’s having the resources to keep surviving the Abyss from ruining your life. It’s about moving on by discovering life is about more than just you (and how only thinking about yourself put you into the Abyss in the first place.) 
In closing I’d like to tell you the reason I came up with this analogy of a temporary camp and moving away from the edge of the Abyss. In case you haven’t figured it out by how I’m talking I have ...a little experience... with the Abyss, crawling out and moving on. It was a lot of work and I had a lot of catching up with people who hadn’t been sidetracked by the Abyss. Okay double duty sucked, but life ain’t fair. But you know what? It was worth it. Those things that made life -- and me --miserable don’t control me anymore. In short, I recovered by becoming more than just what happened to me in my past. All in all, life’s pretty good. 
Having said that, I began to notice a disturbing trend. There are a lot of people who climb out of the Abyss and don’t just camp before moving on. They build a permanent home on the edge. I’m not talking a base camp, I’m talking condos. They make the lip of the Abyss their permanent zip code. This isn’t recovering. This isn’t moving on. They build their identity around the Abyss. At the same time, it’s always about them. Whether it’s what happened or why they can’t control themselves now because of it.. Some not only ennoble it, they brag on it. This to the point of turning it into Victim Olympics of who had a worse time. But a big part of this comes from a disturbing place. Sometimes I see what is being offered as ‘help’ and I have to ask, “How’s that helping the person move onto Phoenix?” 
See, when you’re laying on the edge of the Abyss, you do need help. You’re desperately trying to make sense about what went wrong and how you ended up in the Abyss. And you want to listen to people who can offer you different perspectives to keep you from going back in again. One of the stories that makes sense (for most) people is that of victimization. You are a victim of the Abyss. That becomes your ‘new’ identity. You must embrace the pain and feelings of what happened to you. You are broken and have been wronged. Often to the point of saying you had nothing to do with ending up in the Abyss. 
 Ummm...excuse me?
I’m pretty sure there wasn’t just one thing that ‘put you’ into the Abyss. There were a lot of conscious choices that brought you to the Abyss and even more that put you into it. Now maybe they were bad choices, hell let’s even go so far to say they were fucked up. I’m a big fan of saying, “You didn’t have the coping skills to handle what happened to you and that is what drove you to the Abyss.” But there were lots and lots of conscious choices -- even if they were impulsive. Owning that doesn’t sound too helpful on the edge (in fact, it might even be too much), but it’s critical for moving away from the edge.
What I’m saying is the victim identity is a short term sooth, with long term problems. To fully heal and get on with life, you don’t need to be ‘empowered,’ but you’ll need agency. Don’t take that agency away from people or give it up yourself. Especially don’t let some counselor take your agency away and turn you in into a perma-victim.
 Did you just fight your way out of the Abyss because it sucked so much? So why is this person telling you to embrace the role of a victim and set up house on the edge of the very Abyss you are trying to get the hell away from? This is a really important point. Your goal is to move on with life, not stay stuck as an emotional cripple because of the past. Is it going to be easy? Hell no. Are you going to be able to do things like a ‘normal’ person who didn’t have that past? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. The ability is again something to be found in soft resources. At the same time, often the wounds are so deep that you’re going to have to figure out a different way to get along. That’s okay. It can be done and these alternative can work. Sometimes you just are going to have to suck it up and learn how to deal. (It took me years to be able to relax on the Fourth of July, because there are certain cracking, white flashes in some fireworks that look just like muzzle flashes in the dark. As in what it looks like when someone is shooting at you. Every time I saw them I wanted to dive, roll and come up shooting. I learned to deal because it’s a tradition of the family I married into.) It’s going to take time and practice, but you can do it. It’s part of moving away from the edge of the Abyss. 
But I want you to take a good hard look at people who have turned the edge of the Abyss into their permanent zip code. For many people it’s their carte blanche for their bad behavior. For others, they’re an explosion looking to happen. They’re not looking for a fight, but they are looking to go off on someone...anyone...over the slightest excuse. Other people just ‘can’t help themselves. They feel so ‘strongly’ they just have to act. For others the injustice of what happened to them has becomes their crusade. They mix it with ideology and identity and you get a ‘defender’ of the oppressed who attacks at the drop of a hat. There are a lot of people who have weaponized their victimhood. People who have set up house on the edge of the Abyss come in many forms, but it’s always about what happened to them. They’ve never moved on. The Abyss still rules them. 
 If you really want to heal and move on, you’re going to have to change your zip code. So while that temporary camp is an important step. Don’t listen to people who tell you you can’t move on from there. It can be done. You can do it.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Animal’s Guide to Negotiation and Compromise -- Out at the Sharp End.

I was asked the eternal question. Well okay, so it’s not really eternal, but -- because I talk so much about negotiation and compromise -- I get asked it A LOT. “How do you negotiate with such people?”
Such people are the bullies, temper tantrum throwers and “NO COMPROMISE!” idealists (read, pain in the ass fanatics). 
Here’s the thing. Most the people asking this question are ‘nice people.’ Unfortunately nice people translates into “People who have been conditioned to let others do the dirty work about shutting down bad behavior. People who have lost the skillset -- much less the willingness -- to do it themselves.” 
Yeah, about that... 
Here are basic skillsets to help you break the habits that leave you vulnerable to being bullied by ‘such people.’ 
We're going to start by quoting Nietzsche. "He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
Keep that in mind, it will become important later.
Moving on, realize that although I speak long and loud about compromise, it isn't from a warm fluffy kumbaya singing standpoint. As a friend of mine once summed up "Negotiation without the means to back it up is just begging." I'm not much into begging. 
My deep love for negotiation and compromise is rooted in fact that shooting people -- who are shooting back at you -- is rather ... unpleasant. 
(And gawds know there's all that paperwork. But before paperwork there's the whole surviving being shot at issue. Which people who haven't been shot at [or think they have a monopoly on doing the shooting] don't realize is NOT as easy as they think. And of course when your friends and loved ones don't survive, that isn't much fun either.)
Negotiation, compromise and treating with people are the absolute best and effective ways I know of keeping blood off the walls and all over the floor. Yay for them! Love not having to scrub the walls or shampoo the carpet. 'Cause trust me, that shit smells.
Many people fail to understand that compromise has different levels. Not just that compromise works on many levels. (Which BTW is very true, yet often forgotten.) But there are many levels and types of compromise. Yeah there's all kinds of complex, on going negotiations over trade, business, and politics. But it works it way down through different levels until it can get to "You don't make a move. I don't make a move and we both walk away from this situation alive." If it's a one time deal, it's done and over. If there are proximity issues then it gets into a more complex 'to avoid having to shoot each other you stay on your side of the fence and I stay on mine." 
But remember kiddies -- YAY for compromise!
Having said that. Not everyone can be negotiated and compromised with. In fact, some people you're just going to have to shoot in the face. Not just because they're absolutists, but because they'll never agree to 'you stay on your side of the fence and I'll stay on mine.' (Which is ~gasp~ a form of compromise.) Nope. EVERYTHING is their side of the fence and you are on their property.
Make no mistake. These people exist. However, they are radically different than someone who has learned they can get away with not compromising. To the point of it has become their negotiation strategy. And a very successful strategy it has become. These folks are as common as cockroaches. And now for the cold bucket of water over your head. 
This strategy relies on you being a wimp.
But more than that, it relies on you not knowing there are other options than negotiation and compromise. Or you being unwilling to do them (see wimp comment). All you got is trying to compromise (see begging comment). Their hissy fit depends entirely on you not being willing to make NOT compromising too costly. Not in the sense of a screaming argument costly, but a shrug of 'okay, if you insist' before you drop them.
The reason I say they are as common as cockroaches, is like cockroaches they come in all sizes. They can range in size and targeting from a 12 year old being snarky with mom to Khrushchev banging 'his' magical third shoe on the table at the UN. The core strategy is the same, what varies is the degree and who they target. Which basically boils down to who they think can get away with it with.
If you're afraid to stand up to people -- whether because of the person or from fear of institutional reprisal -- that means you. In other words, you aren't negotiating, you're begging -- and THEY know it. Even if you don't.
Which brings us back to not becoming a monster, but first a word about negotiating.
One of best models for negotiation I ever came across is done with two circles. (BTW, I got this from SSgt Grizzly Bear whose MOS is 'Find evil men and shoot them in the face.") Each circle represents the wants and needs of a party. For negotiation to happen there has to be some overlap (Think Venn Diagram). The more overlap -- while still staying distinct -- the easier it is to compromise. The less, the harder and more likely failure. 
Common example, you have something to sell. I want to buy. You have the maximum you want and minimum you'll take. I have maximum I'll pay and the minimum I want to pay. As long as there is overlap, we have something to talk about.
The key point here is everyone gets what they need... not necessarily what they want (there's a difference)... but what they need. This makes compromise a win/win.
If however, there is no agreement (no overlap if you will) we go our separate ways. I do not need THAT particular one. We walk away from each other seeking to get what we need -- if not want. Although not technically accurate think of agreeing to walking away as a lower level of compromise and agreement. We agree to let the other person go about his/her way.
Got this? If everyone plays by these rules we can go about our business of getting what we need -- and maybe even what we want. Cool beans.
Problems occur however, when someone wants their 'circle' to eclipse yours.This is not compromise or negotiation, it's an invasion. Worse, it's not an occupation. It's more like the aliens form Independence Day where they come in, strip the planet and then move on.
We're gonna have to talk about that happy horseshit.
MOST people who do this behavior are El Cucaracha. They're used to getting away with this because most people are afraid to say "Not only no, but HELL no." (Or if you're a Southern girl, "Awww hell no.") When they run into people who are willing to say it ... well, you know what happens with roaches when you flip the light on. (Except unlike real roaches, damn are these people loud as they scurry away.)
The others are the ones you're going to have to evicerate because there's no compromising with them. They're going to try to invade no matter what you do.
The trick is not only to be able to tell the difference, but react accordingly. Even it it means letting the son of a bitch live and walk away because he didn't cross the line. But if he does cross the line... oh well, I'm pretty sure I made it clear what would happen.
I hope the Nietzsche quote has been simmering on the back burner. Because the only thing that separates monsters from those fighting monster is ethics, rules, standards and codes of conduct. Things like letting the cockroaches scuttle to safety -- instead of assuming that everyone who disagrees with you is an extremist and must be shot in the back of the head.
What are your standards about telling people no? What are your ethics about compromise and negotiation? How much do you allow other people to get what they need? Are you playing for a win/win or is your negotiation based on the assumption it's a zero sum game? What are the lines you won’t cross? What are the lines you absolutely won’t allow to be crossed? Under what conditions will you act? When will you start? When will you end? How much time do you spend honing these skills?
You asked how do you negotiate with 'such people'? Well start out with it's not a technique. It's more understanding negotiation and compromise. Then responding on the level and how hard they're coming at you. And, of course, balancing the acceptance that sometimes a situation can't be negotiated (and must be resolved by other means) with not crossing the line and becoming a monster yourself.